One Year Out

The other day I had a one year post-surgery appointment with Dr. Hwang, the amazing surgeon who did my lumpectomy. We admired my scar, which is pretty minimal, and my dent, which is impressively minor. I still have the suntan path across my left breast from the radiation, but that’s about it for the physical signs of last year’s experience. The lying-around-and-eating-bagels/chocolate/potato chips twenty pounds is gone. And it’s been a while since I’ve woken up in the morning feeling that horrible feeling of utter despair and sadness and hopelessness. I thought I’d make a list of the things that have brought me to this place because, well, just because I like to make lists:

• time. The further away you get from something, the more room you have for other things to fill their place. But you have to find things to fill that place that’re good.
• exercise. I have been going three times a week to a lovely gym, to meet Carin, the wonderful trainer, who follows me around with a clipboard and tells me to lift things, or throw them, or lift myself. I cannot say enough about how wonderful this is. But just as wonderful, and far less expensive, is hiking up the hill behind our house. The view from the hill of San Francisco and beyond is so utterly beautiful, and inspiring, that it makes you remember you are not that big of a deal in the universe. That’s a good thing, not a depressing thing.
• gratitude. It’s not enough just to have a general sense that life is pretty good. I am a strong believer in itemizing the things that make it that way. The weather in September, the appearance of beautiful pears at the Star Grocery, around the corner from our house, the enormous princess plant in our front yard, the fact that we have a new dog and he’s such a good boy.
• food. Sustaining, delicious, healthy, lovely food.

I’m a pretty regular visitor to UCSF — every time I’m there I feel so grateful to have been a patient at a place where everyone is so competent and some, like Dr. Hwang, are extraordinary. I’ve had two mammograms, and both are fine. In about six months or so I’m going to start taking Tamoxifan. I could have begun taking it immediately after radiation, but I decided to wait, and get in much better shape before taking something that has — anecdotally anyway — such unpleasant-sounding side effects. Dr. Hwang said this was just fine, as did Hope Rugo (don’t you think all oncologists should be named “hope”?) Anyway, I’m not just experiencing hope, but gratitude, a sense of perspective, and a couple of muscles I didn’t know I actually had.